1 00:00:03,235 --> 00:00:06,304 [♪] 2 00:01:14,707 --> 00:01:15,740 Bud: All the other parents 3 00:01:15,741 --> 00:01:17,475 Are throwing a party for my soccer team. 4 00:01:17,476 --> 00:01:19,544 All my friends are having a graduation party. 5 00:01:19,545 --> 00:01:22,080 I deserve it. I graduated. My soccer team says you suck. 6 00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:24,049 I want a party, now! I want a party too! 7 00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:27,418 Kelly and bud: Money, money, money, money, money! 8 00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:31,756 Mom, daddy's gone away again. 9 00:01:31,757 --> 00:01:36,294 Ah, he's just visiting his retirement property. 10 00:01:36,295 --> 00:01:38,496 Well, how are we supposed to know? He's always a veg. 11 00:01:38,497 --> 00:01:39,664 It's just as well. 12 00:01:39,665 --> 00:01:41,566 I'm sick of looki'' at him anyway. 13 00:01:49,775 --> 00:01:52,276 Oh! 14 00:01:52,277 --> 00:01:54,478 Oh, peg, not you. 15 00:01:55,948 --> 00:01:57,481 I was in a hammock, 16 00:01:57,482 --> 00:02:01,353 Mourning the anniversary of your passing. 17 00:02:01,354 --> 00:02:02,954 Where were we, daddy? 18 00:02:02,955 --> 00:02:04,588 See, kids, it was a dream. 19 00:02:04,589 --> 00:02:06,424 You were replaced by two six-packs 20 00:02:06,425 --> 00:02:08,026 In the refrigerator. 21 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:12,797 Well, weren't we cold? 22 00:02:12,798 --> 00:02:15,466 I was. You were empty. 23 00:02:17,103 --> 00:02:18,236 Oh, al, 24 00:02:18,237 --> 00:02:20,805 It's gonna take you 20 years to pay off that property. 25 00:02:20,806 --> 00:02:23,708 And once it's paid off, I'm never gonna let you go there. 26 00:02:23,709 --> 00:02:24,943 Come on, honey, 27 00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:27,245 Take this "how well do you know your mate?" quiz. 28 00:02:27,246 --> 00:02:28,346 No, I hate those tests. 29 00:02:28,347 --> 00:02:30,882 They're designed to bury men. 30 00:02:30,883 --> 00:02:32,150 I'm not playing. 31 00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:33,384 Question one. 32 00:02:33,385 --> 00:02:35,887 Okay, you have to close your eyes for this one. 33 00:02:35,888 --> 00:02:38,389 What color is my hair? 34 00:02:41,093 --> 00:02:42,293 Red. 35 00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:44,596 Well, good! 36 00:02:46,365 --> 00:02:47,565 Question two: 37 00:02:47,566 --> 00:02:49,601 "who would you rather spend the night with? 38 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:51,436 A, your wife, or b--" 39 00:02:51,437 --> 00:02:52,604 B. 40 00:02:59,878 --> 00:03:02,780 Peggy, I need some advice. 41 00:03:02,781 --> 00:03:04,649 Can we have some privacy? 42 00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:10,622 Open up, babe. 43 00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:13,725 Tell us what you got. 44 00:03:13,726 --> 00:03:15,093 We're here for you. 45 00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:16,227 [sighs] 46 00:03:16,228 --> 00:03:20,031 Well...I went to a banking seminar this weekend. 47 00:03:20,032 --> 00:03:21,632 And I guess the whole world knows 48 00:03:21,633 --> 00:03:24,668 No one parties like a banker. 49 00:03:24,669 --> 00:03:27,372 Anyway, all I know is, 50 00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:30,208 I woke up this morning with a man in my bed. 51 00:03:30,209 --> 00:03:31,910 I don't even know who he is! 52 00:03:31,911 --> 00:03:33,445 Well, that's easy. He slept with you. 53 00:03:33,446 --> 00:03:35,279 He's the stupidest man on earth. 54 00:03:39,117 --> 00:03:41,319 Al, we're talking about sex. 55 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,489 Leave it to those who do it. 56 00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:47,492 Now, marcie, this is serious. 57 00:03:47,493 --> 00:03:50,595 I want you to steady yourself and concentrate. 58 00:03:50,596 --> 00:03:53,164 Was he any good? 59 00:03:53,165 --> 00:03:54,499 I don't know. 60 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:56,201 I don't even know what he looks like. 61 00:03:56,202 --> 00:03:58,269 Both: All right! 62 00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:00,671 Well, when I woke up, 63 00:04:00,672 --> 00:04:02,407 His head was buried in the pillow. 64 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:05,109 But I do know one thing: 65 00:04:05,110 --> 00:04:07,712 Apparently, I married him. 66 00:04:07,713 --> 00:04:08,779 You got married? 67 00:04:08,780 --> 00:04:09,914 Oh, let's not panic. 68 00:04:09,915 --> 00:04:11,816 If you married everybody you slept with, 69 00:04:11,817 --> 00:04:14,719 You'd be mrs. Paperboy, mrs. Insurance man, mrs. Navy. 70 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,588 [chuckles] 71 00:04:17,956 --> 00:04:20,558 No, idiot. I really married him. 72 00:04:20,559 --> 00:04:21,859 Look at this ring. 73 00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:23,895 And then there's this: 74 00:04:23,896 --> 00:04:27,798 "I went to clyde's no blood test needed wedding chapel 75 00:04:27,799 --> 00:04:31,503 And all I got was this lousy t-shirt." 76 00:04:31,504 --> 00:04:32,537 [doorbell rings] 77 00:04:32,538 --> 00:04:36,273 Oh, god, it's my husband! 78 00:04:36,274 --> 00:04:37,475 Don't tell him I'm here. 79 00:04:37,476 --> 00:04:39,911 She's here! Come on in! 80 00:04:50,722 --> 00:04:53,524 I-I saw a woman come over here. 81 00:04:53,525 --> 00:04:55,326 Are--? Are one of you my wife? 82 00:05:03,969 --> 00:05:06,604 All right! 83 00:05:06,605 --> 00:05:08,372 Come on, sweetheart. Let's go back to bed. 84 00:05:09,674 --> 00:05:11,109 Bye, daddy. 85 00:05:12,411 --> 00:05:13,344 No, no, no, no. 86 00:05:13,345 --> 00:05:15,346 You've made a mistake. 87 00:05:15,347 --> 00:05:17,615 I'm your wife! 88 00:05:17,616 --> 00:05:20,185 Now we can go back to bed. 89 00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:22,120 Oh, shut up. 90 00:05:22,121 --> 00:05:24,488 It's me! It's me! 91 00:05:24,489 --> 00:05:25,556 You? 92 00:05:25,557 --> 00:05:28,392 Oh, yeah! I remember you now. 93 00:05:28,393 --> 00:05:29,828 You were the one on top 94 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:32,797 Of the all-girl banker pyramid. 95 00:05:32,798 --> 00:05:35,133 By the way, my name is jefferson. 96 00:05:35,134 --> 00:05:36,801 I'm marcie. 97 00:05:36,802 --> 00:05:37,935 Yeah, I'm al. 98 00:05:37,936 --> 00:05:40,071 So now that the beatles have been reunited, 99 00:05:40,072 --> 00:05:42,607 You can get the hell out of here. 100 00:05:42,608 --> 00:05:44,408 You know, despite our rocky beginning, 101 00:05:44,409 --> 00:05:47,144 I've got a really good feeling about our marriage. 102 00:05:47,145 --> 00:05:48,780 What'd you say your name was again? 103 00:05:54,086 --> 00:05:56,421 Peggy, can I talk to you? 104 00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:58,089 Bud, come here. 105 00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:01,726 We have enough information 106 00:06:01,727 --> 00:06:04,061 To tell the neighbors now, don't we? 107 00:06:04,062 --> 00:06:06,431 To sell the neighbors. 108 00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:08,700 Do you do nothing for free? 109 00:06:11,737 --> 00:06:13,504 Peggy, I'm worried. 110 00:06:13,505 --> 00:06:16,774 I don't know my husband. 111 00:06:16,775 --> 00:06:20,110 Who does, and who wants to? 112 00:06:20,111 --> 00:06:21,312 Face it, marcie, 113 00:06:21,313 --> 00:06:23,281 The average man-woman relationship 114 00:06:23,282 --> 00:06:25,849 Has, tops, three weeks of happiness. 115 00:06:25,850 --> 00:06:27,785 You know, it's the happiness you feel 116 00:06:27,786 --> 00:06:29,887 When he still turns away from you to burp, 117 00:06:29,888 --> 00:06:31,955 Rather than turning towards you and saying, 118 00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:33,491 "pull my finger." 119 00:06:35,494 --> 00:06:39,797 It's when he at least tries to hit the toilet. 120 00:06:39,798 --> 00:06:43,167 And when during sex, you're not lying there thinking, 121 00:06:43,168 --> 00:06:45,803 "what the hell is he doing?" 122 00:06:45,804 --> 00:06:47,305 You know, you're lucky. 123 00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:50,341 Your three weeks of happiness are ahead of you. 124 00:06:50,342 --> 00:06:52,210 Who cares who he is? 125 00:06:52,211 --> 00:06:54,745 Look at him. He's gorgeous. 126 00:06:54,746 --> 00:06:57,715 I say, saddle up, ride. 127 00:06:57,716 --> 00:07:01,519 And if he breaks a leg, shoot him. 128 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,354 Now, jeff, all kidding aside... 129 00:07:03,355 --> 00:07:05,556 Run. 130 00:07:05,557 --> 00:07:09,794 Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep. 131 00:07:09,795 --> 00:07:12,797 Run like mexican water through a first-time tourist, 132 00:07:12,798 --> 00:07:16,768 But the key word here is "run." 133 00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:19,637 Don't you think she's cute, al? 134 00:07:19,638 --> 00:07:22,574 Run. 135 00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:25,843 It's just that I can hardly believe I'm now mrs... 136 00:07:25,844 --> 00:07:27,945 Darling? 137 00:07:27,946 --> 00:07:29,681 What's your last name? 138 00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:31,315 D'arcy. 139 00:07:39,391 --> 00:07:42,460 Marcie d'arcy? 140 00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:45,796 I'm now marcie d'arcy? What have I done? 141 00:07:45,797 --> 00:07:47,298 Maybe I should start wearing 142 00:07:47,299 --> 00:07:50,568 Little dresses with dots on them. 143 00:07:50,569 --> 00:07:52,737 Oh, what's the matter, marcie? 144 00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:54,739 Well, aside from the fact 145 00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:58,209 That I now have the name of a cartoon character, 146 00:07:58,210 --> 00:08:01,245 I'm married and I don't even remember the wedding. 147 00:08:01,246 --> 00:08:03,914 You remember this, don't you? 148 00:08:11,756 --> 00:08:13,624 Oh, al. 149 00:08:13,625 --> 00:08:14,859 Mmm. 150 00:08:19,498 --> 00:08:20,965 Oh, al! 151 00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:24,568 Oh, al! 152 00:08:24,569 --> 00:08:26,070 Oh, please. They're two drunks 153 00:08:26,071 --> 00:08:28,606 Who haven't brushed their teeth yet. 154 00:08:28,607 --> 00:08:29,908 Cut that out you two. 155 00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:32,876 We don't do that in our house. 156 00:08:32,877 --> 00:08:34,245 I refuse to let strangers 157 00:08:34,246 --> 00:08:36,647 Lay their vile customs at our doorstep. 158 00:08:38,183 --> 00:08:41,486 And the yankees take the field. 159 00:08:41,487 --> 00:08:43,588 You know what I was just thinking? 160 00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:45,890 That hangovers do come true? 161 00:08:45,891 --> 00:08:47,658 No, actually, I was thinking 162 00:08:47,659 --> 00:08:49,993 If you wanna have a wedding to remember, let's have one. 163 00:08:49,994 --> 00:08:52,530 Let's have the grandest wedding we can afford. 164 00:08:52,531 --> 00:08:53,665 Yes, let's! 165 00:08:53,666 --> 00:08:55,400 I have $2,000 saved. 166 00:08:55,401 --> 00:08:59,704 Okay. And, uh, let's see, that brings us to a total of, uh... 167 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:02,006 $2,040. 168 00:09:05,610 --> 00:09:08,646 [♪] 169 00:09:22,428 --> 00:09:23,961 Marcie: We can book a hall. 170 00:09:23,962 --> 00:09:25,563 Oh, no. You can't book a hall. 171 00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:27,731 I won't hear of that. How impersonal. 172 00:09:27,732 --> 00:09:30,501 You'll have your wedding in god's cathedral: 173 00:09:30,502 --> 00:09:32,470 Our backyard. 174 00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:36,107 Your backyard is buck's toilet. 175 00:09:36,108 --> 00:09:40,578 No, your backyard is buck's toilet. 176 00:09:40,579 --> 00:09:41,879 Now, what do you say? 177 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,480 I don't know. 178 00:09:43,481 --> 00:09:44,916 Do you think we can trust them? 179 00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:46,650 Of course. They look... 180 00:09:50,689 --> 00:09:53,658 Perfectly trustworthy to me, and besides, 181 00:09:53,659 --> 00:09:56,226 It's a closer trip to the honeymoon suite. 182 00:09:56,227 --> 00:09:57,562 Come on, let's pace it off now. 183 00:09:57,563 --> 00:09:59,296 [giggling] 184 00:10:03,001 --> 00:10:06,704 Two thousand dollars buys a lot of dreams, eh, babe? 185 00:10:08,306 --> 00:10:11,576 ["aloha 'oe" playing] 186 00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:14,478 Man: Oil you up again, ma'am? 187 00:10:14,479 --> 00:10:16,881 I'm sorry your husband fell into that volcano 188 00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:19,584 So he couldn't enjoy hawaii. 189 00:10:19,585 --> 00:10:22,553 ["the andy griffith show" theme playing] 190 00:10:25,023 --> 00:10:28,225 Man [southern accent]: They sure are a-bitin', eh, mr. Bundy? 191 00:10:28,226 --> 00:10:32,329 Too bad the wife did a header into that quarry. 192 00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:35,866 She sure would have loved your retirement property. 193 00:10:37,836 --> 00:10:39,670 Oh, al. 194 00:10:39,671 --> 00:10:41,839 Oh, peg. [chuckles] 195 00:10:45,977 --> 00:10:48,045 Yeah, I want to cater a wedding. 196 00:10:48,046 --> 00:10:49,880 Um, I'm expecting about 60 people, 197 00:10:49,881 --> 00:10:53,351 So I'll need about two pounds of cold cuts. 198 00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:56,086 Yeah, what's your cheapest price? 199 00:10:56,087 --> 00:10:58,556 Uh-huh. 200 00:10:58,557 --> 00:11:03,027 And what kind of animal would that be? 201 00:11:03,028 --> 00:11:06,430 Well, at 12 cents a pound, it's pretty steep. 202 00:11:06,431 --> 00:11:09,467 Anyway, could you throw in some beaks and claws? 203 00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:11,935 You got a deal. 204 00:11:12,671 --> 00:11:13,704 [chuckles] 205 00:11:13,705 --> 00:11:15,439 [doorbell rings] 206 00:11:15,907 --> 00:11:17,708 Hi, al. 207 00:11:17,709 --> 00:11:20,678 Did you know there's a little rain cloud 208 00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:22,947 That only hangs over your house? 209 00:11:22,948 --> 00:11:26,851 Yeah, it showed up after the kids were born. 210 00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:28,286 What can I do for you? 211 00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:31,622 Listen, al, if marcie should come by asking for me, 212 00:11:31,623 --> 00:11:33,925 Would you tell her I went out to buy her a gift, okay? 213 00:11:33,926 --> 00:11:35,393 You're running, huh? 214 00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:38,596 It's never quite the same when you're sober, is it? 215 00:11:38,597 --> 00:11:40,631 No, that's not it, al. You see, 216 00:11:40,632 --> 00:11:44,234 I just haven't found a way yet to tell marcie that... 217 00:11:44,235 --> 00:11:46,637 Well, I have to see my parole officer. 218 00:11:49,308 --> 00:11:50,508 You mean, like, 219 00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:52,643 "if there's only a bucket of beaks at the wedding, 220 00:11:52,644 --> 00:11:54,211 You'll go crazy and start slashing" 221 00:11:54,212 --> 00:11:55,612 Kind of parole officer? 222 00:11:55,613 --> 00:11:57,548 No, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, al. 223 00:11:57,549 --> 00:11:58,549 I'm not a bad guy, okay? 224 00:11:58,550 --> 00:12:00,384 I... I just, uh... 225 00:12:00,385 --> 00:12:02,252 You know... 226 00:12:02,253 --> 00:12:04,889 I stole a bunch of money from people who trusted me. 227 00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:05,990 That's all. 228 00:12:07,425 --> 00:12:09,693 You're not gonna tell anybody, are you, al? 229 00:12:09,694 --> 00:12:11,929 It's not something I'm real proud of. 230 00:12:11,930 --> 00:12:14,131 Especially since I got caught. 231 00:12:14,132 --> 00:12:15,866 Well... 232 00:12:15,867 --> 00:12:17,334 Jeff, I'll tell you something. 233 00:12:17,335 --> 00:12:19,403 Telling al bundy is just like telling the wind. 234 00:12:19,404 --> 00:12:21,105 Well, thanks, al. I appreciate it. 235 00:12:21,106 --> 00:12:22,306 That's all right. See ya. 236 00:12:22,307 --> 00:12:23,407 Go ahead. Take care. 237 00:12:25,476 --> 00:12:26,543 Peg! 238 00:12:26,544 --> 00:12:27,644 Peg! 239 00:12:30,315 --> 00:12:33,450 ♪ I know a secret ♪ 240 00:12:33,451 --> 00:12:35,153 What? What? 241 00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:37,188 Guess who's been mighty careful 242 00:12:37,189 --> 00:12:39,090 Not to drop anything in the shower 243 00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,925 The last couple of years? 244 00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:43,627 Who? Who? 245 00:12:43,628 --> 00:12:45,797 Don't tell me! Don't tell me! 246 00:12:45,798 --> 00:12:48,566 Both: Charades! 247 00:12:48,567 --> 00:12:49,566 [both laughing] 248 00:12:52,137 --> 00:12:53,837 All right. 249 00:12:53,838 --> 00:12:55,772 This is about... 250 00:12:55,773 --> 00:12:58,542 Our new neighbor... Jefferson. 251 00:12:58,543 --> 00:13:02,546 Jefferson! Right! 252 00:13:02,547 --> 00:13:07,117 Now, the second part is about... 253 00:13:07,118 --> 00:13:11,989 Where he was before he met marcie. 254 00:13:11,990 --> 00:13:16,893 Okay, now, sounds like... 255 00:13:16,894 --> 00:13:18,763 "hisson." 256 00:13:18,764 --> 00:13:20,598 Hisson... 257 00:13:20,599 --> 00:13:22,033 Misson... 258 00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:23,668 Kisson... 259 00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:25,069 Disson... 260 00:13:25,070 --> 00:13:27,371 You're not listening to what I'm saying. 261 00:13:27,372 --> 00:13:29,206 All right, now try this. 262 00:13:29,207 --> 00:13:31,408 Two syllables. First word. 263 00:13:33,445 --> 00:13:36,680 What do jefferson, pete rose, 264 00:13:36,681 --> 00:13:39,350 And your cousin all have in common? 265 00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:40,618 Prison! 266 00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:42,353 Jefferson was in prison! 267 00:13:42,354 --> 00:13:43,553 Yes! 268 00:13:43,554 --> 00:13:45,222 [laughing] 269 00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:50,861 Gee, that's great. 270 00:13:50,862 --> 00:13:52,062 Does marcie know? 271 00:13:52,063 --> 00:13:53,731 No, and we're not gonna tell her either 272 00:13:53,732 --> 00:13:55,499 Because then she'll cancel the wedding, 273 00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,902 And I won't get to pay off my retirement property. 274 00:13:57,903 --> 00:13:59,570 You mean our trip to hawaii. 275 00:13:59,571 --> 00:14:01,505 Yeah. 276 00:14:01,506 --> 00:14:03,441 Yeah. That's what I meant. 277 00:14:03,442 --> 00:14:06,343 Oh, kiss me, you fool. 278 00:14:06,344 --> 00:14:07,110 Both: Mmm-mwah. 279 00:14:11,583 --> 00:14:12,716 Al: Get your rice! 280 00:14:13,885 --> 00:14:15,352 Get your wedding rice here! 281 00:14:18,189 --> 00:14:19,423 Get your rice! 282 00:14:19,424 --> 00:14:20,758 Al. 283 00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:22,459 Honey, what is bud's soccer team 284 00:14:22,460 --> 00:14:24,728 And kelly's model friends doing here at the wedding? 285 00:14:24,729 --> 00:14:27,031 Oh, I had to cut a deal with the damn kids. 286 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:28,432 They said they'd spill the beans 287 00:14:28,433 --> 00:14:29,966 If I didn't give 'em a party. 288 00:14:29,967 --> 00:14:32,136 They blackmailed me, peg. 289 00:14:32,137 --> 00:14:34,505 This lack of ethics, 290 00:14:34,506 --> 00:14:35,506 Where does it come from? 291 00:14:35,507 --> 00:14:38,242 Well, I blame it on tv myself. 292 00:14:38,243 --> 00:14:41,846 You don't think this is gonna cut into our profit, do you? 293 00:14:41,847 --> 00:14:45,482 That's why I eliminated some of marcie's guests. 294 00:14:45,483 --> 00:14:46,583 Where's my mother? 295 00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:50,521 She won't be here, 296 00:14:50,522 --> 00:14:52,189 And you should hear this from a friend: 297 00:14:52,190 --> 00:14:53,724 She doesn't love you anymore. 298 00:14:53,725 --> 00:14:55,625 Get your red hots here! 299 00:14:55,626 --> 00:14:57,061 Well, and where's aunt mary? 300 00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:58,496 Mary, mary, mary... 301 00:14:58,497 --> 00:14:59,797 Oh, she got got snowed in. 302 00:14:59,798 --> 00:15:01,032 She lives in phoenix. 303 00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:02,799 Oh, yeah. That was ida who got snowed in. 304 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,468 No, mary's the one who, uh... 305 00:15:04,469 --> 00:15:05,670 Who died. 306 00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:07,804 Get your wedding pretzels! 307 00:15:09,374 --> 00:15:10,907 [sighs] 308 00:15:12,844 --> 00:15:14,611 Welcome to my wedding. 309 00:15:14,612 --> 00:15:16,380 Are you a friend of the groom's? 310 00:15:16,381 --> 00:15:17,882 [burps] 311 00:15:17,883 --> 00:15:22,319 Al, I think marcie's getting suspicious. 312 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:23,721 We better get the show on the road 313 00:15:23,722 --> 00:15:25,188 And get me to hawaii. 314 00:15:25,189 --> 00:15:27,358 I wanna be there for the running of the samoans. 315 00:15:27,359 --> 00:15:28,459 Okey-dokey. 316 00:15:30,629 --> 00:15:32,296 Well, what's that? 317 00:15:32,297 --> 00:15:34,632 That's the reverend. 318 00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,267 That's captain hank. 319 00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:37,968 See, a lot of these church-affiliated, 320 00:15:37,969 --> 00:15:39,102 Land-lovin' reverends 321 00:15:39,103 --> 00:15:41,272 Want money to perform a wedding ceremony. 322 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,506 But not old captain hank. 323 00:15:42,507 --> 00:15:44,575 You give him a bottle of redeye and a playboy, 324 00:15:44,576 --> 00:15:46,209 And he'll marry your mother to a cow. 325 00:15:46,210 --> 00:15:48,211 [laughs] 326 00:15:50,348 --> 00:15:55,152 Retirement property one to garbage scow toxica. 327 00:15:55,153 --> 00:15:56,453 Come in. 328 00:15:56,454 --> 00:15:57,988 [static buzzing] 329 00:15:57,989 --> 00:15:59,790 Captain hank: Toxica here, al. 330 00:15:59,791 --> 00:16:01,091 We're heading into a squall. 331 00:16:01,092 --> 00:16:02,793 Let's kick this wedding into gear, huh? 332 00:16:02,794 --> 00:16:04,995 All right, everybody? Take your places. 333 00:16:04,996 --> 00:16:05,996 Places, everybody. 334 00:16:09,267 --> 00:16:10,735 Where's reverend applebee? 335 00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:13,838 Uh, he had an exorcism in akron. Let's go! 336 00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:15,238 Let's go! 337 00:16:15,239 --> 00:16:17,675 Daddy, this is the bestest graduation party 338 00:16:17,676 --> 00:16:19,109 A girl ever had. 339 00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:20,143 Thank you. 340 00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:26,384 She's so dumb she doesn't even know she's at a wedding. 341 00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:28,319 Are you sure you spent 342 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,221 The whole $2,000 on the wedding? 343 00:16:30,222 --> 00:16:31,255 You can look at all this 344 00:16:31,256 --> 00:16:33,557 And ask me a question like that? 345 00:16:34,693 --> 00:16:36,394 Well, the bridesmaid's in place. 346 00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:48,939 That's not my sister. 347 00:16:48,940 --> 00:16:50,207 Hey, unlike your sister, 348 00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:52,176 At least he cares enough to be here. 349 00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:54,311 Now, bring on the orchestra! 350 00:16:54,312 --> 00:16:56,780 [playing pleasant melody] 351 00:17:00,284 --> 00:17:01,485 ♪ fun ♪ 352 00:17:04,856 --> 00:17:06,857 Honey, enough of the music now. 353 00:17:08,493 --> 00:17:10,260 Jefferson, jeff-- come this way. 354 00:17:10,261 --> 00:17:13,196 You two approach the speaker. 355 00:17:14,332 --> 00:17:16,167 Captain hank, you still there? 356 00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:17,635 [wind whistling] 357 00:17:17,636 --> 00:17:20,270 Captain hank: Yeah, but we're takin' on water here. 358 00:17:20,271 --> 00:17:21,839 Have the couple join hands. 359 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,941 They're already joined, hank. 360 00:17:24,942 --> 00:17:27,178 Do you take this woman to be your wife? 361 00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,546 I-I do. 362 00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:29,547 I can't hear ya. 363 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,248 He did, hank! 364 00:17:31,249 --> 00:17:33,417 Now the broad. Do you take--? 365 00:17:33,418 --> 00:17:36,453 I would now like to read a poem I wrote to my love. 366 00:17:37,722 --> 00:17:40,591 Jefferson my sudden love 367 00:17:40,592 --> 00:17:42,493 My love so true my shining-- 368 00:17:42,494 --> 00:17:43,994 Captain hank: Can't hear ya, hon! 369 00:17:43,995 --> 00:17:45,195 I do! 370 00:17:45,764 --> 00:17:47,031 I now pronounce you-- 371 00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:48,833 Damn it, we just hit a speedboat. 372 00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:50,968 You're now husband and wife. 373 00:17:50,969 --> 00:17:53,137 Full astern. Let's get outta here! 374 00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:54,939 [static hisses] 375 00:18:00,878 --> 00:18:02,847 You may now kiss the bride. 376 00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:05,182 I may now kill the host. 377 00:18:05,183 --> 00:18:06,950 This is the worst day of my life! 378 00:18:06,951 --> 00:18:09,219 Where are my guests? Where's the photographer? 379 00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:12,522 I-- I did better than that. I got a wedding artist. Bud. 380 00:18:24,302 --> 00:18:27,004 Copies will take a couple of weeks. 381 00:18:29,607 --> 00:18:31,107 Al bundy, you will pay for this! 382 00:18:31,108 --> 00:18:32,609 You're a cheat, a thief and a liar! 383 00:18:32,610 --> 00:18:33,910 Well, now... 384 00:18:33,911 --> 00:18:35,346 Would it make you feel any better 385 00:18:35,347 --> 00:18:36,714 If I gave you a wedding present? 386 00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:39,450 Well, it's a start. 387 00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:41,284 Okay. 388 00:18:41,285 --> 00:18:43,186 Your husband was in prison. 389 00:18:49,394 --> 00:18:52,863 You were in prison, and you didn't tell me? 390 00:18:52,864 --> 00:18:55,165 Well, I think it's time to go to the airport. 391 00:18:55,166 --> 00:18:58,335 Kids, turn on the sprinklers. Wedding's over. 392 00:19:02,140 --> 00:19:03,173 Son! 393 00:19:04,942 --> 00:19:09,179 You're looking at the official owner of lot 31, 394 00:19:09,180 --> 00:19:10,380 Right across the highway 395 00:19:10,381 --> 00:19:13,116 From a view of lake chicamocomico. 396 00:19:14,519 --> 00:19:15,585 Cool, dad. Where's mom? 397 00:19:15,586 --> 00:19:16,787 She's at the airport. 398 00:19:16,788 --> 00:19:18,989 Oh, don't worry, she can earn enough to get home. 399 00:19:18,990 --> 00:19:20,590 She took her accordion with her. 400 00:19:23,461 --> 00:19:24,895 Where's your sister? 401 00:19:24,896 --> 00:19:27,197 Oh. She went to wisconsin with the bikers. 402 00:19:27,198 --> 00:19:29,066 Okay. 403 00:19:29,634 --> 00:19:30,668 Al? 404 00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:32,102 Hey, jefferson. 405 00:19:32,103 --> 00:19:33,637 Where's the blushing bride? 406 00:19:33,638 --> 00:19:34,905 She's jabbing a fork 407 00:19:34,906 --> 00:19:36,540 Into the eyes of the little groom 408 00:19:36,541 --> 00:19:38,775 That was on top of our wedding twinkie. 409 00:19:38,776 --> 00:19:39,944 Al: Ah. 410 00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:42,679 Good. Good, good, good. 411 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,614 Son, now look here. 412 00:19:44,615 --> 00:19:46,716 These giant redwood trees? 413 00:19:46,717 --> 00:19:48,252 They're over a thousand years old. 414 00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:49,887 I'm gonna cut me one of these down, 415 00:19:49,888 --> 00:19:52,289 Use it for the base of my satellite dish. 416 00:19:52,290 --> 00:19:54,792 Listen, al, I just stopped by to thank you 417 00:19:54,793 --> 00:19:57,094 For utterly betraying my trust. 418 00:19:57,095 --> 00:19:58,461 It was malicious and foul, 419 00:19:58,462 --> 00:20:00,697 But I think it's gonna turn out to be a blessing. 420 00:20:00,698 --> 00:20:02,432 I mean, it helps get our marriage off 421 00:20:02,433 --> 00:20:05,035 To a honest, healthy, harmonious start. 422 00:20:05,036 --> 00:20:06,670 Marcie: Jefferson d'arcy, 423 00:20:06,671 --> 00:20:10,840 Get your lying, inmate ass over here now! 424 00:20:16,514 --> 00:20:17,881 Oh, no. 425 00:20:17,882 --> 00:20:19,949 You know, in prison I could have had her silenced 426 00:20:19,950 --> 00:20:21,785 For three cigarettes. 427 00:20:21,786 --> 00:20:22,853 Oh, well. 428 00:20:22,854 --> 00:20:24,455 Wait. By the way, mr. D'arcy, 429 00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:25,623 What were you in for, anyway? 430 00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:27,857 Nothing big. 431 00:20:27,858 --> 00:20:32,062 Just a scam to sell plots around this toxic little waste pond 432 00:20:32,063 --> 00:20:33,797 Called lake chicamocomico. 433 00:20:41,005 --> 00:20:42,439 The place is so contaminated 434 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,007 It won't be safe for habitation 435 00:20:44,008 --> 00:20:45,409 Till the year 5 million. 436 00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:46,710 [chuckles] 437 00:20:46,711 --> 00:20:49,580 Now, it hit the news four years ago. 438 00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:50,880 Would you believe it? 439 00:20:50,881 --> 00:20:53,350 Some of the truly stupid are still sending in payments. 440 00:20:53,351 --> 00:20:54,918 [laughs] 441 00:20:55,452 --> 00:20:56,620 Ah, stupid. 442 00:21:20,344 --> 00:21:22,946 Well, it beats going to hawaii with your mother. 443 00:21:26,317 --> 00:21:29,152 And what's 5 million years in the, uh... 444 00:21:29,153 --> 00:21:32,188 Scheme of the life of one man? 445 00:21:32,189 --> 00:21:33,957 Well, dad, 446 00:21:33,958 --> 00:21:35,492 You always got your dreams. 447 00:21:35,493 --> 00:21:36,960 Yeah, right. 448 00:21:40,231 --> 00:21:43,266 ["the andy griffith show" theme playing] 449 00:22:39,491 --> 00:22:41,825 [♪]